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I send out a whatsapp:

“I am doing a small informal survey: Would you mind giving me 2 examples as a child when you felt like “thriving”. Mine, for example are, doing my homework on my own, and riding my bike from athletics back home.”

I have some ideas about thriving, but like to keep an open mind. It is enjoyable to find patterns in people’s responses, especially when they are completely unaware of each other. The return messages fall into two categories.

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Examples from Category One

I wanted to sing in the choir, but was told that I sing off-key. So I practiced and practiced, sometimes my mother would play the piano for me to sing, until I made it. I loved every moment of that choir.

• From someone else

I was ten years old, and joined a gymnastic club. I was scared, as I was the only Coloured child there, and what if I could not do it? The trainer was kind, and to my relief I could do it. Wednesday afternoons became the highlight of my week, and when I received my certificate at the end of the year, I felt really proud.

• And another

I had some difficulty with Physics, until Mr M. came along and showed me logic; I felt completely in control and developed a new sense of independence.

• From a woman

When my dad helped us to make bows and arrows, and we went swimming with him in the forest, although he could push us too hard to jump from a high ledge into the pool that has no bottom or slide down a slimy slope.

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Category two

As cousins we enjoyed riding our bikes, even if it meant getting into trouble for not being home on time.

Saturdays in Mr M’s garage, playing table tennis. That’s where our table tennis club was.

Playing in the veld with kids from the neighbourhood.

Where we lived it was very hot. My cousin, my brother and I spent hours playing in the pool, with our dog for company. There was no adult supervision. Afterwards, ravenous with hunger, we would lie on our stomachs, eating watermelon with pieces of cheese.

What do we see here? Experiences of challenges overcome and of camaraderie, of gaining independence and of support & encouragement. It strikes me how physical and sensorial the majority of the examples are (Another person wrote about baking cakes on Sundays whilst her parents are sleeping).

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A final example

I always dreamed of having a horse. Never thought it would be possible. My father made it realise. Saddling and riding and caring for my own horse gave me a great sense of independence and competency.

Here we see a great example of thriving: Where an individual with the right type of support, experiences independence and competency. Physicality and the outdoors perfect the picture. The only thing missing, maybe, is the camaraderie.

So what do we have here?

Camaraderie, adventure, freedom, independence on the one side – Overcoming fear, achieving incremental goals and pride in our accomplishments on the other.

One thing is for sure: supportive others that help you to reach your own goals are often (but not always) necessary, as long as they do not undermine your independence and your freedom.

Sounds like excellent parenting advice!

And a fine challenge to our own lives.

All this reminds me of Internal Motivation. This is how internal motivation is nourished. As we saw in a previous blog, internal motivation in essence depends on three capacities (these are innate to all children, if parents, teachers and siblings don’t interfere too much): Self-determination, perseverance to achieve own goals (self-discipline), and pleasure in the doing so.     

“Self’ 

“I do it myself”.